I’m interested in joining This Sixth form because I want to gain A-levels and advance on to university. I would like to go to this sixth form because I think the environment would be beneficial to me. I know I can be a great addition to this sixth-form. At my current school I was involved in the rugby team and the school newsletter called Splash I also have a number of household duties. I can work by myself or part of a team these skills were further developed during work experience. Where I working for company Boots located in Brixton. At work experience I learned about how stores run. I want to take courses in Business , English literature , ICT and Psychology. I plan to get A-levels in these subjects and go on after University to do something in those fields such as a Business manager. I currently go to London Nautical School , I have recently done my mock exams and talked about it with my teachers and we feel that I didn’t perform to the best of my abilities in some of my subjects but all that is needed for me to do well is further revision. I currently do Geography , ICT , DT and Drama as well as the core subjects although I didn’t pick Business Studies I want to take it in Sixth-Form. My strong subjects are ICT and English. My weak subjects are maths and science , because I recognise this I have additional support in these subjects. I am not a sporty person , more interested in computers and games but starting to go out more and more with my friends. I haven’t had a job but tried to apply for my work experience during the summer. I think soon I might have a job but I would have to make sure it doesn’t collide with my school studies as they are more important. I have an uncle who works in web design and I’ve talked to him about summer job working for him which will teach me a lot and introduce me to a lot of different tech. From this Sixth form I hope to gain as many A-Levels as possible. From there I hope to go to university to further my education.
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November 9, 2016 at 3:52 pm
Hi Jameel,
There’s some good material in this letter. I’d like to give you feedback on its style, structure and to some extent its focus.
Style: Your language is largely good, but you talk too much in the conditional. When you say things like ‘hopefully’, “hope to” or possibly, you’re communicating uncertainty. In a letter like this you’ll have better impact if you’re more declarative in your comments (even if this goes a little against your nature, which I know is self-effacing). This means that “.. this would hopefully teach me a lot” could be re-written to say “This will teach me a lot…”
In addition to this instead of saying you hope something will happen or that something might happen, say “I intend to..”, or “I have discussed with my uncle the possibility of”..
When you’re addressing something that you think has gone poorly, like your mock exam results, be careful. Instead of saying directly that you’ve done poorly, this IS the time to use the indirect language. You could stay instead. My teachers agree that my performance in the last mock exams under-represents my ability in their subjects and they have all predicted much higher grades for my final exams. I expect to get an A in English… etc”
Structure:
Put your strongest qualities first – rather than talking about what a college can do for you, start with what you can do for the college. Explain what a determined young man you are, how self-disciplined you are, what you contribute to the wider life of LNS and why you believe you’ll be a success at their school.
Focus:
Remember this is an application letter. You don’t have to tell them anything that puts you in a poor light. And if there’s something that you’d like to address that you think might concern them, address it in terms of what it’s taught you, how you’ve grown from the experience and how it’s historical. For example, you don’t have to tell them you’re not sporty, but you can expand on how you’ve used computers to enhance your learning, including the publishing of 5 years of your classwork on your own personal blog. This will impress them enormously!
Have another go at it, and let me know. I’ll look at it again if there’s time before you submit it.
Do let me know also if there’s anything else I can do to help.
Righto!
Chris