Author: Christopher
This is Your Online Domain
Hello and welcome to your personal online journal.
Edutronic has been created to enhance and enrich your learning at the London Nautical School. Its purpose is to provide you with an audience for your work (or work-in-progress) and you have the choice (by altering the ‘visibility’ of your posts) of whether your work on here is visible to the world, or only to your teacher.
Anything you post here in the public domain represents you and thus it’s important that you take care with that decision, but don’t be afraid to publish your work – as the feedback you may get from people at home, your peers and people from around the internet is only likely to enhance it.
Remember you can always access your class blog and all manner of resources through the Edutronic main website – and by all means check out the sites of your peers to see what they’re getting up to as well.
If you have any questions for your teacher, an excellent way to get an answer is to create a new private post on this journal. Your teachers are am notified of any new posts and will reply swiftly to any queries.
Make the most of, and enjoy this new freedom in your English learning!
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” ― Ernest Hemingway
Mr Waugh’s Feedback on your Dystopia
First, let me say that you have produced a piece of writing that represents the effort of a serious student, you have worked hard to incorporate some of the grammar and writing techniques we’ve been learning in class.
Strengths:
This story has a clear narrative structure (plot line) and you have started to incorporate description in order to expand your reader’s enjoyment and understanding. You write using a variety of techniques, including devices showing the passing of time and dialogue.
You’ve also successfully incorporated some of the grammar techniques that we have studied.
Advice:
Your descriptions would have been improved with the use of a wider variety of noun phrases and adverbials – I’m curious about why you decided not to start any sentences with prepositions – maybe you disagree with the idea that these would help with descriptive writing?
Another area for work is your sentence structuring. You tend to run your sentences together, or connect them using commas rather than full-stops. At this stage my advice is for you to be conservative, and when in doubt, make it a complete sentence. I’m happy to work with you to help you to identify these if my notes don’t help.
Advanced Advice
I also want to ask: why did you avoid using many subordinate clauses or relative clauses in your piece? Since you successfully created these in class activities – what do you think it was that stopped you going back to your piece and developing some of the sentences that you’d written?
Your original piece with detailed annotation is here:
[gview file=”http://jameel.community.edutronic.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/254/2012/12/Jameel.pdf”]
This is Your Online Domain
Hello and welcome to your personal online journal.
This platform has been created to enhance and enrich your learning at the London Nautical School. Its purpose is to provide you with an audience for your work (or work-in-progress) and you have the choice (by altering the ‘visibility’ of your posts) of whether your work on here is visible to the world, or only to your teacher.
Anything you post here in the public domain represents you and thus it’s important that you take care with that decision, but don’t be afraid to publish your work – as the feedback you may get from people at home, your peers and people from around the internet is only likely to enhance it.
Remember you can always access your class blog and all manner of resources through the Edutronic.net main website – and by all means check out the sites of your peers to see what they’re getting up to as well.
If you have any questions for me, an excellent way to get an answer is to create a new private post on this journal. I am notified of any new posts and will reply swiftly to any queries.
Make the most of, and enjoy this new freedom in your English learning.
Righto!
Mr Waugh
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